I didn´t mess up in 2 days and I´m almost proud of myself. I really want to stop purging and cutting and I hope I´m able to make it this time.　

Hi, my name is Michaela and I´m 27. My first language is not Englisch, but I try. I have a very structured life, even though I might have developed some strange coping systems. I work a full time job and that´s probably the only thing that keeps me from losing control completely. I am independent, at least financially. I do live alone. I do not have any friends, my only social contacts are people at work, my mom and my grandfather. No one knows about all this, I never told anyone and I won´t. I do not want people to worry about me. I´m a whole different person to all the people I know in real life and they´d never even suspect me to have any kind of problems. Of course they know I´m a quiet and shy person but they don´t know the magnitude of the situation going on behind closed doors. And I like it that way. You should try to understand that I wouldn´t even bother to tell anyone about myself but my followers. It´s my blog and it´s the only place for me to be honest. I know I´m very negative at times but you can unfollow any time. I think it is rude and not necessary to tell me that I´m sick or not normal or lying. I´m a 80´s child. I was born too early and my mother got really sick, she suffered from liver and renal failure and fell into a coma for a few weeks. I´d stay in the hospital with the nurses and my family members didn´t want to see me as soon as my mom would be better, that´s at least what she told me. My parents got divorced when I was still a baby because my father didn´t want to deal with a sick woman. My mom used to tell me that he cheated on me, she´s lie to me a lot when I was younger. I never really heard about him again, he´d write me a few letters because he didn´t want to pay for me anymore but that´s all. I don´t know if he really wanted contact because my mother didn´t want me to see him. I remember one time I visited him and his new wife for christmas and I loved it so much there, that I told my mother everything about it. She got very pissed and wouldn´t talk to me for days, I guess I was 4 or 5. I decided to tell her that I hate my dad and his new wife and I never visited them again. Ever since I was little I tried to please everybody but myself. I alway wanted to do everything right and not disappoint people. My behaviour and the will to please everyone made me a very uncomplicated child. School was always horrible, my teacher would complain about me and she told my mother that I´m not cooperative, too slow and not good with the other kids, but my marks were good and my mom didn´t really care. I guess i was always a heavy child, not fat but bigger then the others. Food was my only friend. Everything went out fine until I was 9. My grandmother died when I was nine, she had cancer of the lungs. My grandfather cared for her at home and she died after a few months. I remember when my mother told me, I felt nothing, even though I loved her a lot. My grandfather and my mom would take me to the curch and they showed me her corpse, she was so grey, I´ll never forget what she looked like. But I can´t remember anything that I felt. I suddenly turned out to be really bad at school. My marks were bad and I didn´t want to tell to tell my mom about it because it would have been just another disappointment. So I tried to hide it as long as I could. After a few months the teacher and my mom found out and I was kicked out of school. And I gained a lot of weight. I felt horrible about myself and the summer I switched schools was the first time I starved myself to lose weight. When I turned 11 my mother got really sick, she lost a lot of weight until she was down to 80 pounds and couldn´t move at all. I decided to not eat until she´d be better but it never worded out, I was stuck between starving and bingeing. I used to take care of her at home, I managed the household and everything else. It was horrible. I hated doing it, all I wanted was to sleep for ever. I felt horrible for feeling so lazy, so I ended up trying to do everything perfect. But when her weight dropped even more my grandfather called the doctor and they sent her to a hospital. I know it´s mean, but when they sent her away I felt so released, like I could breath again. When she was at home I´d usually stay awake all night worrying that she might die. Eventually she got better after a few months and things started to be normal again. My new school was pretty bad, a lot of drugs were arond, a lot of mean people and bullying. I kind of got along with the mean kids after a while and my marks got better. I honestly hated my friends but I thought it´s better to be friends with them. We´d spend our time drinking and smoking and doing nonsense. By the age of 13 my mom introduced my to drugs and we´d smoke a lot of pot together. I loved drugs right away but at the same time I hated them. Drugs seemed to make everything easier but I never liked the feeling of being out of control. By the age of 14 we´d party all night and I was constantly on extasy. I hated extasy, all of that loving everyone and everything and being so out of control. My friends at school didn´t even take drugs. They´d smoke and dring alcohol but never did anything stronger. I´d hang out with people in their 30s. By the age of 14 I started to take Tramadol. I really loved Tramadol. I felt alive and nice and I really liked myself. I had a lot of friends, I had very good marks at school and everything seemed perfect. I was on Tramadol until I was 17, I´d get sober inbetween many times, I´d take it a few months, get sober, repeat. I know it might sound strange but all this time I never thought I had a drug problem. It was pretty easy to get all the drugs. My mom, at that time, got precriptions for everything so I just called the doctor and said she needed Tramadol and they´d prescribe it. No one every questioned it, it never came out. Sometimes I wish they´d have found ot about it. When I was 17 I decided to become clean. It really was the most horrible time. I didn´t tell anyone about my problem and did it all alone. I was sick for a few days, but after that everything just got worse, I had a constant headache, I couldn´t concentrate on anything, I was moody and the whole world seemed grey. I started starving again. I lost a lot of weight and went to another school after the summer break. Because of my good marks I was accepted to a very good school but without being high all the time it turned out to be a nightmare. I hated the school, I was scared of the people, the teachers, everything. I was unable to concentrate. After 6 months they wanted me to leave because my marks were so bad. I wouldn´t attend often. Shortly after I got there I´d start to take codeine and everything that was around. None of the other students knew. I had a lowpoint but I kind of managed to stay there for three years and my marks were average after a year. I started to binge again and gained a lot of weight back. When I finished school I didn´t know what to do, I had a practical training for a year and started my education after that. I was not constantly on drugs the next years, I´d be on for a couple of months and then stop, and repeat. That´s when I started cutting. When I finished my education 2 years ago I got a very good job, I like it there even though it is a lot of stress. I still work there. I work a very social job, I have to work with people. It´s weird because it´s my job to have a lot of people under control, I have to take care of everything, take a lot of responsibility and I do it well. My private life is a whole other story, I can´t control anything. After a few months at my new job I started bingeing again and i gained back a lot of weight. And when I finally decided to starve myself again to lose the weight it went out great, I lost a lot of weight and was doing great. After a few months I started to binge again and this time I just couldn´t let it happen. Bingeing and then not eating for 3 days or taking tons of lexatives. So I made another bad choice and started to purge my food. I told myself I´d only do it once in a while, only in extreme cases. But pretty soon, I found myself doing it almost daily. And all of the sudden I was addicted. Please understand that I hate throwing up, I really hate it, and everytime I eat something I tell myself “I´m not gonna purge it” but I can´t control it anymore. I feel so disgusted with myself when I eat too much that I have to gain back control over myself. I guess I´ll keep doing the same thing over and over again until I learn the hard way that it might be better to stop and get help. And I wish I could get help, but honestly, all I think is “I can´t get help, if I tell my doctor that I starve and binge and purge he´ll ask me why I´m still so fat” and it makes me feel horrible. I feel like I wasted my whole life. In a few years I will be 30 years old and I have nothing to show for it. It seems like my life is under control, I have everything you could wish for, but my mind is just lost. And I feel guilty.